Fractured
by D. M. Evans
Summary: After telling Connor about his impending fatherhood, Cordelia ponders how her life has gone so wrong


FRACTURED

D. M. Evans

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Disclaimer – All characters belong to Joss et al. Not me. Not now, not ever

Rating – PG-13

Summary – A little bit after telling Connor he's going to be a father, Cordy contemplates what's going wrong in her life.

He's sleeping now, despite the damn sunlight streaming in the window. I look down at him, his face so peaceful in slumber. God, he's a child. What am I doing to him? What am I doing to everyone? I want to stop but I can't. I'm no longer in control. I'm looking out of my own eyes but I'm a prisoner inside my own body. 

How could it all go so wrong? I thought I was making a noble sacrifice to help Angel, to help the world. Did I set myself up for the big fall? Was this that hubris stuff the Ms. Westerberg had told us about when we read Oedipus? Were we all too arrogant? I was sure I could handle being melded with a demon. Or maybe it all happened when Skip took me to that higher plane. Humans weren't made for that, not even ones with demon in them. 

I think the memory problems I had were the demon taking control. How could I fight my demon half if I didn't even know myself? I haven't been the same since. I want to stop myself but I can't. I'm a puppet. The thing inside me is pulling the strings. I want to scream but there is no sound. How can they not notice? I haven't had a vision since I came back, not a real one but I guess the demon is good at faking it. Can't they see how bit by bit they've been manipulated? Surely they see the difference in me. And yet they don't. 

 Please, let this stop. I just want it to end. This isn't me. Is this how Angel felt when Angelus took over? No, probably not. This is how Angelus feels, trapped in a prison of flesh, helpless to stop ourselves.

Was it me telling Angel that I didn't love him any more? I can't even tell. The lines between me and my demon are blurred. I think that it might be true though.  I can't even remember falling in love with him. I had always been a little creeped out by demons. Poor, sweet Doyle comes to mind. Did my feelings for Angel started before or after I became part demon? I can't even remember now. Was it all part of my demon's plan?

And what have I done to Angel's son? The poor boy lies beside him now, softly snoring. Seducing him was all the demon's idea. God, Connor, I'm so sorry. I tried so hard to stop myself that night but it was too late for me. The demon was in total control. It even knew to wait for Angel to get a good view of it. It let me know later that's what it had planned. All I knew I was that it was going to take something precious from Connor. I wanted to cry, to die. Instead I did the only thing I could, the one thing the demon would let me do: I made it as kind and loving as I could for Connor. My heart broke seeing him cry that night. I knew even as I was letting Connor touch me that the next day the demon would tear out his heart.

And it let me surface just a bit, let me taste the horror of what I had done to Connor and Angel. It let me panic some but I couldn't warn them. Those words were locked away. Oh, how it rejoiced when Angel lost it over the betrayal. The group started fracturing. It was an easy thing then to just keep the fault lines spreading. The suggestion that Angelus was smarter than he was helped turn the tide of his resistance. I managed to convince him to be Angelus even when I was pretending to be against it. 

My demon didn't listen to me. I knew Angelus wasn't a team player. I remembered that much but it thought it could control him. And I'm not sure yet if it's still manipulating Angelus or if the vampire is out of control. The bright sun outside tells me it's most likely the latter. The demon's rage is so horrible I can't even think on it.

It was worse than when I killed Lilah. I have blood on my hands. I know I'm not to blame, that it's this thing in me doing it. It doesn't change things. Lilah's dead and I did it. I don't even know why it wanted her gone. That makes no sense to me. Maybe my demon did it just to prove to me it could. Maybe the demon is trying to make me stop fighting it, to just lie down and let the human part of me die. I won't give it that satisfaction.

I think that's why it made me let Angelus out, to prove that I was too weak to stop myself. When I tried to fight it, Angelus beat me down twice. I'm not even sure that was me fighting back or my demon finding ways to make it all look good for the others. They didn't know they had a traitor among them, not yet at any rate. Someone should have guessed when Manny died. There were only four of us there. One of us had to have killed him. Someone should have known it was me. 

My demon  tried to arrange killing Faith in jail. I knew that Wesley would think of calling in a Slayer. I tried to keep that knowledge from my demon but I wasn't strong enough. The demon had wanted to follow Faith, to kill her, too, but my body was weaker than it anticipated. I lost too much blood from the wound, not to mention this horrible thing growing inside of me. Even with my demonic powers I wasn't sure I could take Faith. Obvious my minion couldn't. She had slain the Beast and the spell had reversed. It was a set back, a huge one but my demon was already planning ways around it.

Another thing the demonic part of me hadn't counted on was Connor's reaction to Faith. The demon needed Connor on our side. We needed his strength. Please, run Connor. Just go. I wanted to scream that but I'm too lost inside myself to be heard. The demon thought that Connor's hatred of Angelus would be enough to make him fall in step with the others. I would have agreed. I should have remembered how Faith affected men. A blind person could see Connor had it bad for her. He was so hormonal it was embarrassing.

I want to let him go. Let him run to her. Faith would keep him safe from me. But the demon bound him to us tighter. I heard myself telling him we were having a baby. I know it's not his. It's the Beast's, yet another demon impregnation for me. At least it was through magic. I wouldn't have survived having to have that thing touch me. But now poor Connor thinks he's going to be a dad. I thought he was going to bolt. He looked so scared, so horrified. The demon saw it, too, and against my will, I'm kissing Connor, easing him back on the bed just so he won't abandon me. The demon still has plans for him. He just wants to be loved so much it hurts so the demon uses me to make love to him again. He won't run now. He thinks we have a bond. The poor child, he doesn't understand anything. My body makes him promises that were meant to be broken.

I brush the hair off his face and he murmurs in his sleep. I try to shake him awake and tell him everything but my body is frozen. I'm powerless. I can't move again until I stop thinking about warning him. I tried it again and lay motionless there for several minutes before the demon freed my limbs.

 I know what's going to happen next. The pregnancy will drive another wedge into the group. The demon is going to tell Connor that Angelus is out to kill the baby. That's all he'll need to hear. I'm going to be used to whip him into a killing frenzy. I'm trying to fight. I have to. Someone has to stop me. Even if I have to die, I will find a way to stop this thing that's taken over my body. 

Please, God, let this be over soon.


End file.
